We Need To Talk

Start Early

Successful family conversations begin with good preparation and caring communication. With sensitivity toward the feelings of older drivers, families can help the older driver make safe driving decisions and ensure peace of mind for the entire family. Ideally, the transition from driver to passenger will happen gradually over time, allowing all family members to adjust to new circumstances.

When is the right time to initiate a discussion? Long before there is a problem. Early, candid conversations reinforce driving safety issues without the pressure of asking someone to limit or stop driving altogether.

Safe Driving Conversation Openers

Here are some conversation openers:

"Health and safety first."

When driving is placed within the larger context of other safety concerns, it may take the personal edge off the conversation.

"Driving isn't what it used to be."

Family members of any age can find common ground by talking about stressful road conditions. Restricting driving in order to compensate for worsening driving conditions makes sense for all drivers.

"Did you hear about the car accident in the news today?"

Use news reports to inform – not scare – older persons. Headline news about accidents that involve older and younger drivers can provide an opportunity to explore your family member's attitudes about unfit drivers and the question of who can help them decide when to relinquish the keys.

"How did Granddad stop driving?"

This opener may provide an opportunity to reveal personal feelings about driving and family intervention.

Who Should Do the Talking

Hearing sensitive information from the right person can make a big difference. To increase the chances of success, carefully select the person who will initiate the discussion. Older adults typically prefer to speak confidentially about driving safety with someone they trust.

Outspoken or authoritative family members are not ideal to open the early discussions on driving, but may better serve as the enforcer of driving decisions later on, if necessary.

The Hartford/MIT Agelab research indicates that marital status is a significant factor that determines who should have the conversation with the older driver.

50% of married drivers prefer to hear about driving concerns first from their spouses. Doctors are a close second, followed by adult children. Older drivers living alone prefer to hear first from their doctors, adult children, close friends or other supportive helpers.

Do the Homework

Before you ask a family member to significantly restrict or stop driving, it's important to do your homework.

1. Get the facts. Use the Warning Signs Worksheet as a guide, observe your relative's driving, and look for patterns of warning signs of future problems. In focus groups, people reported that they were more willing to listen to those who had driven with them.
2. Observe the older driver behind the wheel over time. Has the driver expressed personal concerns about driving safety? Is the older driver limiting where and when he or she drives?
3. Discuss your concerns with a doctor and determine what information you need to provide, given your relative's medical conditions. Some doctors may take an active role in assessing a driver's skills and rendering an opinion; others will refer a concerned patient to a driving specialist for a comprehensive driving evaluation.
4. Investigate the alternatives for helping older drivers adjust to driving limitations. Consider how to satisfy social and transportation needs when the older adult curtails or ceases driving. Relatives may need to set aside time to provide rides. In addition, think about increasing the frequency of visits, outings, phone calls, and e-mails.
   • Use the  "Getting There” Worksheet to help you assess driving alternatives so that the older adult is not left house-bound. 
   • Complete the Transportation Cost Worksheet to help you and the older driver calculate the current amount of money that he or she is spending on transportation.
5. Be Supportive. The transition from driver to passenger is not always easy or smooth. Your support and understanding is necessary before, during and after driving changes are made.

Here are ways you can show your support:

• Be patient and expect to have several conversations to achieve a balance between safety and independence.
• Know that men may require more repeat conversations than women.
• Don't be dissuaded by initial negative reactions.
• During each conversation, share your genuine safety concerns and desire to protect the driver's best interests.

To read more about

• Crafting Caring Family Conversations With Older Drivers Click Here
• Having the Conversation. About Driving Click Here
• Help Beyond the Conversation. Click Here
• For more information about family conversations with older drivers, download or order your free copy of We Need to Talk: Family Conversations with Older Drivers